Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Struggle

I don't know if it is just because I'm getting older, I'm about to have my third child or maybe, by the grace of God, I'm actually maturing in my faith but I seem to daily be facing a struggle that has been weighing heavily on my heart. The struggle is putting the small amount of time I am allotted each day into all of the things that actually matter and try to ignore those things that don't. This struggle isn't a simple one. First I have to identify what things are the important ones, which ones are not important and which ones fall somewhere in between. Then I have to figure out how much time to give the top priority while restricting the time for the least important. Finally the hardest part of the struggle, actually managing my time through out the day to accomplish these goals.
Growing up in the Christian faith I learned from a young age that God should always be the most important thing in my life and if asked I always say that He is. The truth of the matter is that most often He is not the most important thing in my life as my time allocation proves. If I manage to say my morning and evening prayers that day I consider that a huge victory. Reading the scriptures, lives of the saints or anything spiritually edifying is a bonus and I can feel like my day was truly a spiritual success! But is that really what it looks like for me to truly have a God centered life?
So here is the struggle. I am a mother of a one and a half year old, a three year old and will have another little one in only a few months. I am going to start homeschooling my three year old this coming September and am training to become a childbirth educator as well as birth and postpartum doula. With all of this plus normal household chores most people would say "You are doing great just saying those prayers! Don't beat yourself up!" and some days that is totally true. But there are plenty of days when I know that there is much more I can be doing but I choose not to. So how do I daily make God truly the top priority in my life?
As I struggle with this question I have come to realize a few important things. First, prayer is the foundation for the rest of the day. There is a remarkable difference in my attitude and patience level through out the day between days I start with prayer and the days I don't. Setting aside time to focus on praying (even for 5 minutes) not only helps to focus my soul but shows the honor, respect and love that I need to be giving God daily. My relationship with God is just that, a relationship and it needs the same time and attention that I give to the other important relationships in my life. Prayer is a big part of that. Most importantly God promises us his grace and love when we ask for it and that is exactly what I am doing when I pray. What better way to start off my day than to be given the grace and love I need to take care of my family?

Second, my attitude throughout the day is not a result of other people's actions or outside situations but my choice of how to respond to them. If I have a bad attitude this is more than likely a result of my choice to be selfish in my thoughts and actions rather than be thankful and humbled by the things I experience (both good and bad) throughout the day. If I find myself in a bad mood it is on me to calm down, take a deep breath and choose to change, not wait for someone else to cheer me up.
Third, I have more time in the day than I think I do. How much time do I waste on facebook, email, pinterest, TV, my phone or just wasting time that I could be accomplishing all the things I always say I don't have time for? Now there are definitely days that are so crazy busy that I'm lucky I managed to remember to eat but that is not the case all the time. What if all the time I spent online was spent in prayer, reading and doing something meaningful with my kids? My days would look quite a bit different.
Fourth, my role as mother and wife are not distractions from my spiritual life but the way in which I live it. How many times have I had to stop praying because I needed to run and help someone in the bathroom or pick up a screaming child or clean up a mess that just happened? And it is so tempting to get angry, frustrated and want to scream "Can't you kids just leave me alone so I can be a good mom and pray?!" My selfish and prideful feelings of wanting my kids to be quiet, self-sufficient and all together not so childlike keeps me from embracing their needs, fears, excitement and curiosity for the opportunity it is. It is a perfect opportunity to show my kids the grace, mercy and love that I myself am asking God for. The endless piles of laundry and stacks of dirty dishes are my path to humility. It is choosing to do these chores despite what I want to do and doing with an attitude of thanksgiving. My responsibilities to my family are my God provided opportunities to learn spiritual discipline.
Fifth, and finally my struggle to balance my life and prioritize is not just for me but also important for my children. The most important education you receive as a child comes from home. Children mimic what the see and learn behavior from their family. When I tell my children that we are Orthodox Christians and that is the most important thing in our lives but they never see me pray or read the scriptures or tell them about the saints, how will they know what to do? I am so thankful for the example my parents gave me as a child, and I recognize how truly blessed I have been by them. I vividly remember watching my parents daily having their "quiet time" praying and reading the Bible. There was no doubt in my mind that their faith was vitally important to them and it reflected in their actions both towards me and alone. Now having that same burden as a parent to raise my children in the faith I have to constantly be making that choice to demonstrate that devotion and love for God that I so desperately desire for my kids.
It is with these thoughts and struggles that I have to lift it all up in prayer and say "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner." And know that He is faithful and merciful and will continue to bless me even while undeserving.
Lord have mercy!

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