Most of my life growing up I was a very outgoing, carefree, happy person. I was about as extroverted as you could get and had a very easy going disposition. My junior year of high school things changed. I'm not totally sure why everything changed that year but through a series of events I became majorly depressed and began a very destructive cycle of physically and emotionally hurting myself. I developed an acute anxiety disorder which continued to rule my life for many years afterwards. After a couple years of counseling and anxiety medication I was able to get things under control but the uncontrollable anxiety was always right under the surface.
Probably the most frustrating thing people would tell me when I would be suffering an anxiety attack was "Just trust in Jesus". Problem was if I asked for an example of how exactly to accomplish that I would usually get a lame answer like, "Just know that God has everything under control and Jesus loves you." As reassuring as that may sound it did not help me when I was in the middle of an anxiety attack. Now don't misunderstand me. I do love God and I know that He has everything under control and that trusting Jesus really is the best thing I could do. The problem was, how. And no one could give me a good answer. This constant battle raged under the surface for years and while I was getting better at eventually calming myself down the anxiety itself was ever present. That is until a couple of years ago.
For those of you who do not know, Robert and I converted to Orthodox Christianity back in November of 2009. When I came to the Orthodox church I was overwhelmed by all the beautiful stories of those Christians who had run the race before us and finished in triumph. Those saint's stories were an amazing source of encouragement that I had never had before. One saint in particular really touched my heart, St. Nectarios of Pentapolis and Aegina. Here is a very brief summary of his life.
St. Nectarios was born Oct. 1st, 1846 to very poor parents in Greece. He moved Constantinople when he was 14 for school and after graduating moved to Alexandria, Egypt where he eventually became a bishop. He was very pious and loving man. All of people he was bishop over loved him dearly and he quickly became a favorite among the public and the Patriarch (Arch Bishop). Sadly, he was removed from his post by clerics who were jealous of his popularity with the people. Lies were made up against him by the jealous clergy. Patriarch Sophronios refused to listen to St. Nectarios. He was sent away from Egypt without trial or explanation, and was never given an opportunity to defend himself.
After his dismissal, he returned to Greece in 1891, and spent several years as a preacher. He was then appointed director of the Rizarios Ecclesiastical School for the education of priests in Athens, where his service was exemplary for fifteen years. He developed many courses of study, and wrote numerous books, all while preaching widely throughout Athens.
In 1904 at the request of several nuns, he established a monastery for them on the island of Aegina.
In December 1908, at the age of 62, St. Nectarios resigned from his post as school director and withdrew to the Holy Trinity Convent on Aegina, where he lived out the rest of his life as a Monk. He wrote, published, preached, and heard confessions from those who came from near and far to seek out his spiritual guidance.
While at the monastery, he also tended the gardens, carried stones, and helped with the construction of the monastery buildings that were built with his own funds.
St. Nectarios died on the evening of 9 November 1920 at the age of 74, following hospitalization for prostate cancer. (Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nectarios_of_Aegina)
Through out his entire life he was constantly coming up against extreme persecution and unfair treatment often at the hands of fellow Christians, but he never despaired. His response to it all was quiet acceptance of the situation, giving thanks and then lifting up any concerns in prayer to God. He did not try to defend himself most of the time and he always offered what he had of his time, talents and possessions to others, even when that meant he would be going without. He was not afraid of suffering difficulty because his deepest concern was how he suffered, not if he suffered. He knew that he would be hurt by the people he loved and cared for but he refused to harden his heart to them. He would accept the pain, thank God for it and then offer it up in prayer asking for forgiveness for those who had hurt him. His view on life was so different from mine.
I am not a saint and I doubt I will ever become one. I do not accept all of the difficulties in my life and give thanks for them but it is when I do that that my burden is lifted. The thing I came to realize is that to "just trust God" requires action on my part. It is not a passive attitude that you can attain easily. It requires that you take in the full situation, THANK God for every part of it and then ask Him for the grace needed to overcome it. That is hard but without it you will be overwhelmed. This is why St. Paul said "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thes. 5:16-18)
I thank God every day for the gift that I have in the faith He has brought me to. I can gladly say that I no longer have an anxiety problem. Through out the past few years I have learned to quietly accept what I am given and thank God for it. I pray that I can continue on that path evermore and learn to be content in every situation, lacking nothing.
Give thanks!
Very well-written, Jessie! Thanks for sharing. You are right, it can be frustrating when we are given challenges and people remind us to just trust in God and all will be well. We want 'quick fixes' to our problems, but in time, God allows us to see why we struggle. This has proven true over and over in my life. As Dora would say from Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin...". :)
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